I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
