Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
