I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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