you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
