Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
