I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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