I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
