I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
