Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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