dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Are my feet made of real feet?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
