Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
