im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
