I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
