Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I looked at my own cervix.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize