I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
