He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
