Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
