im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
