I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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