WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize