Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Randomize
