i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
sarcasm needs its own font
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
