Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
The adults are the big ones right?
A bitchslap is in order.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
