I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
