Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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