That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
