So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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