I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
