oh god the rape fog is back!
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
