I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Randomize
