Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Oh god it's open bar.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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