She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
