Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
