I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
