operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
