she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
