when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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