Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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