So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
