My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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