i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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