I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
