TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
