but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
