I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
worst night to have a conscience
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
No subtext here. People are naked.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
