Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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