I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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