He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize