dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
