So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
