When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
