My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
