weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
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