My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
