whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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