My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
