No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
