I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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