the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
