Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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