I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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