I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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