I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
love makes seman taste better
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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