nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
