im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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