I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
