I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
