Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
