I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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